Friday, November 15, 2013

The Curse Of Ciara: 5 Guys' Careers Nearly Ruined by Ciara.

It's been a minute. Been busy. Welcome back to the Terrordome. 


If you ask the average person about Ciara, 9 times out of 10, you're going to get "whisperer-singer" "Goodies girl" "great dancer" "possible porn actress" or "Janet Jackson lite." An over-achiever to some, and an under-achiever to many. Probably should pursue a career in porn. 

Ciara has some hits, some misses, and a video that you should never view if you plan to have a daughter. 

Such a bad omen to come of this....

If you follow me on Twitter (@leetreble_, don't do it), you know how I promote Erykah Badu theory. Baduizm has left some of hip-hop's greatest talents (Andre 3K, Common, Jay Electronica) in an idiosyncratic state of funk. Sometimes its for the better (3K dropped the Love Below after dating Badu) and other times you get this....

If you click on this picture five times, you see Joe Budden with a hookah strapped to his neck

Regardless of how you feel about her feet musical talent, Ciara is fine as hell.  There's a reason why she's dated so many high-profile guys (while oddly dodging the hoe accusations that Kim Kardashian unfairly owns)

But this isn't about Ciara or her broad shoulders. This is about the men she's dated, and how she's left EVERY single one of these guys irrelevant, ineffective, and almost useless. Here goes. 

Five Guys Nearly Ruined By Ciara's box. 

Bow Wow

Clearly an auto-biographical film

Wow Bow. The man who used to run 106 and Park is now working as a host of 106 and Park. Bow Wow went from child megastar to moderately successful teenager rapper, and for a moment, looked poised to rise to greatness. Then he starting dating Ciara, who is a foot taller than him. Probably. 

Oddly, the long cross chains aren't the most disturbing thing about this picture. 

In 2005. Broke up at the end of 2006. What's happened since then? 

Dropped from TWO labels. Sued for unpaid child support. Unwanted by anyone in the industry. A very public Twitter meltdown where he mentioned suicide. Told a judge he's broke in 2011. He's sold 5 million records. But he's only worth 300K...ouch 

Cold world, but it gets colder. 

50 Cent

In 2007, 50 Cent, oddly dating Chelsea Handler, snapped back into reality, and broke up with her for Ciara. They dated for 3 years, and broke up quietly in 2010. 

50 Cent is one of most successful rap artists of all-time, cashing in his rap stature for more money via other ventures. But 50 Cent isn't on here because of money.

He's here because he's COMPLETELY irrelevant. In fact, NEW YORK HIP-HOP is irrelevant. And hecan't rap good anymore :-(

Can you name a 50 Cent single since 2010? Nope.

 Has 50 Cent dropped an album since 2010? YES. Two. Ok? Name them.......



Not only that, he's no longer BFFs with Floyd Mayweather?

Justin Beiber a funny motherfucka ain't he? 



I'll keep this short and sweet. 

Ludacris. Dated Ciara in 2008. Dropped this ABOMINATION OF A SONG IN 2010.

No words. No words....

Fuck that song b

Amare Stoudamire

This is an interesting one. Amare, coming off his best season as Phoenix Sun, signs a 100 million dollar contract with the New York Knicks in 2010. Guess who he starts dating in 2010?


So, after an early MVP campaign in the first half of the 2010 season, injuries and Carmelo Anthony's arrival literally rendered Amare's game useless. Once a top 10 NBA talent in his prime, injury-proned Amare is being paid 20 million dollars to come off the bench. Peep this

Amare stats before Ciara: 21.45 PPG, 9.0 REBS per game. Limited defense capabilities.
Amare stats after Ciara: 18 PPG, 7 REBS. NO DEFENSE CAPABILITIES. 

Amare probably saw this, and got back with his now-wife, who he literally married 6 months later.  

(Funny story, I went to college with Amare's now-wife's sister. They were "engaged" for like 8 years before Ciara lmao. Engagement = Layaway)

Lauryn Hi..



This one is still in the works, but after being dropped from Drake's tour (he's back reportedly), we might want to warn Walmart T-Pain that Ciara is cursed. We would hate for Future to go from being the hook-man of 2013 to complete irrelevancy. Adding to the fact he's got 3 kids, and a 4th one on the way, we hope Future is able to dodge this curse. For America's sake. 


There you have it. 5 men cursed by Ciara. 

Dictated not read. 


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Four People Who Lost Their Superpowers After Cutting Their Braids


Braids. Cornrows. Dreads. The holy trinity of niggas hairstyles. We can see these being rocked in hoods, schools, and in corporate settings. Hell, even the QB of the Washington Redskins rocks his lesbian-esque braids with style. 

Only black man in America with half-dreads and half mullet

After reading this blog, RG3 may want to consider never cutting his hair. EVER. 

The biggest side-effect of cutting your hair is the Samson effect. As you know, in the Bible, Samson was blessed with Lee-esque strength until he met a hussy named Delilquanisha. She cut her hair, he lost his strength. And mostly importantly: he lost his edges....

No, no, not my edges!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*cries silent tear*

There are a few people who can cut their braids and maintain their successes at a high rate (Carmelo Anthony, Justin Timberlake),  but for the four people below, cutting their braids was a career-altering move. And not for the better. So here goes...

Four People Who Lost Their Superpowers After Cutting Their Braids
Alicia Keys

Bio:- All hail the Queen of Sidechick Music. Alicia Augello Cook. A bi-racial angel with a knack for playing piano and singing. One of the best songwriters of her generations. She has a son named Egypt and married a Sphinx. 

Then in 2009, she married Swizz Beatz stopped rocking the microbraids permanently. 

Oh hey. Swiss Beatz picked out the rest of my career for me

You want to see how braids affected her career? 

Alicia Keys Grammys with braids: 12
Alicia Keys' # of Grammys without braids: ZERO

Number of vocal notes Alicia Keys missed with braids: 1
Number of vocal notes Alicia Keys missed without braids: All the numbers in Pi

Number of people set on fire by Alicia Keys with braids: 0 (that we know of)
Number of people set on fire by Alicia Keys without braids: Still under investigation, but we think the casualties are in the thousands. 

Now we're left with this 

Oddly, I think Carrey rocked it better
Allen Iverson

Bio - 2001 MVP. The anti-Jordan. The Answer. Allen Iverson had it all. The most identifiable part about Allen Iverson his is trademark braids. We loved him for being himself at all times, and celebrated his willingness to be the anti-hero. 

Then in 2009, he cut his braids....

The casino ain't ready for THIISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

You want to see how braids affect your performance?

Allen Iverson's PPG with braids: 26.8
Allen Iverson's PPG after cutting them: 15.7

Teams Iverson played for before cutting braids: 2 
Teams Iverson played for after cutting braids: 5

Allen Iverson complaining about practice before cutting braids: 1 
Allen Iverson complaining about practice after cutting braids: 0 

You can blame old age, personal issues, or his unwillingness to come off the bench, but let's face it: you cut your braids, your career goes away...

Let's pray he rocks these braids at the Hall of Fame speech. Top 5

Starting a petition to put this on the 30 dollar bill 


Bio - Scarface's first hand-picked rapper for Def Jam South. Atlanta's most commercially successful rapper behind the group Outkast. Comedic and wily rapper. His catalogue is among the best in hip-hop history. Possibly top-5 guest feature rapper of all-time. 

And I will never forgive him...but that's another story for another day. 

Then, in 2006, he cuts his trademark cornrows. 

You won't forgive me nigga? Nigga. Who are YOU? 

You want to see how braids affected his career? 

Number of Ludacris' albums sold with braids: 13.6 million 
Number of Ludacris' albums sold without braids: 3 million

Number of good rappers who Ludacris didn't let get shine with braids: 0
Number of good rappers who Ludacris didn't let get shine without braids: 1. 222222222 CHAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNZZZZZZZ


You can blame his sales numbers on the industry trend, but still, I will never forgive him. 

Especially after this abomination of a song

Nicki's reaction after hearing the verse for the first time. 

Lauryn Hill
Bio - you know, fuck this. I've already said what I've had to say about Lauryn Hill. BYE FELICIA 

Honorable mention: R. Kelly, Warren Sapp, Busta Rhymes, Xzibit (where is he?), India.Aire, Jamie Kennedy, Omarion, Micheal Vick (he did get another 100 mil contract, so he barely misses the list), D'Angelo (the fuck kind of hairstyle he's rocking), Trey Songz, Chris Kilpatrick, Jermaine Dupri (nigga went from having dreads, to going bald. Amazing), Bow Wow. 

I'm done. 

Dictated, not read


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

5 Reasons 2013 is the Year Of Music Blackface


The line that follows that Jay-Z's lyric may be responsible for capturing the phenomenon of the America's current twerking hysteria. On a day where we celebrate 50 years of the impact Dr. King's (plagiarized) speech "I Have A Dream",  black music culture appropriation simultaneously reached a fever pitch with the twerking phenomenon. But it goes deeper than just twerking being added to the Oxford fucking dictionary.

(Oxford. The most prestigious and oldest English speaking university in the WORLD. Twerking.) 

Watching the MTV music awards this past weekend, I didn't feel like I was being entertained (except on Twitter). I felt like I was being mocked. Like an episode of The Boondocks. (Aaron McGruder, you got 7 seasons worth of material based on this weekend alone)  

I'm not one who clamors for ownership over silly things like the word "twerk", but when I see Miley Cyrus' dis-proportionately large head saying that she wants an "more black sound" and she loves "hood music" while trying to shake her back on Beetlejuice ass nigga Robin Thicke, no wonder I'm so annoyed. 

This shit is blackface. Surprised nobody has recognized it sooner. 

Quickly, blackface is basically appropriation, mocking, and exploitation of black culture in an attempt to capitalize off it. And the culprits below are more guilty of this than anybody out right now. Blackface exists in many other forms, such as The Cleveland Show or a Lisa Lampenelli stand-up routine. (God, I'm so glad Patrice O'Neal made her cry. RIP)

This is all Wale's fault, but that's not why we're here. #edges 

5 reasons why 2013 Is The Year Of Music Blackface. 

Once respectable Major News Sites Are Clearly Members Of Black Twitter Therefore Deemed Unproductive

CNN. August 25th. The top headline and story IN THE ENTIRE WORLD? 

Miley Cyrus twerking. On CN fucking N. Not the war and genocide in Syria. Not Egypt in the midst of political turmoil. MILEY CYRUS. 

After seeing that, I see ABC with a tweet: What Is Twerking? A Scientific Explanation. 

You mean the biggest news conglomerate in the U.S. is posting on their Twitter account about the origins of twerking. 

Then I saw the Huffington Post headline: WATCH AMBER ROSE TWERK LIKE A BOSS AT HER WEDDING. 

Ladies and gents: JOURNALISM!!!!

It's clear to me. News stations are now members of Black Twitter. 

Wait until FOX news follows Black Twitter and starts leading their newsbreaks with slander wars and $200 dates. CAN'T WAIT!!!


White Singers Doing Awful Impressions Of Black Soul Singer's music. White Singer Surprised When Black Singer's Family Sues Him

I've always called Robin Thicke either a bad karoake verison of Marvin Gaye or the person who absorbed or kidnapped the remains of JC Chavez. 

So, Thicke, with the help of the ageless vampire Pharrell,  has the biggest and most annoying hit of the year with "Blurred Lines" and pre-emptively decides to offer Marvin Gaye's family six-figures for...I guess...a goodwill "don't sue me bro" gesture? Naturally, Gaye's estate sues Thicke for pretty much stealing every element of Gaye's "Got To Give It Up" 

 Beforehand, Thicke attempted to sue in order to make claims that they didn't steal or sample any of Marvin's room. Then the family sued Thicke. Hell, Aailyah and Zhane have made covers of "Got To Give It Up.

Somewhere in my head, I'm picturing Thicke says "nah, we didn't steal everythinggggg. We just....uhhh....stole what we needed to make the biggest hit of my career. That's all!!" 

It's true. Word to Elvis Presley and Pat Boone.


MTV is trying to replace YOU rappers with Macklemore 

I have nothing against Macklemore. I admire and salute his hustle. Independent and went platinum. Been grindin for 10 years in Seattle's hip-hop scene. I still think he's the grown-up version of this kid in my head

I won't accuse him of appropriating and profiting black culture, but I will accuse MTV's obvious slight at the absence of real hip-hop presence at the awards show. 

The only black rappers that were in attendance was Drake (Who's half Jewish and half Teddy Bear), Kendrick Lamar (The New King Of NY) and Kanye (who isn't black. He's Jesus. DUH)

Fun fact: Diddy and Jay-Z actually boycotted the awards because they probably knew that MTV wasn't going to pay tribute to NYC's stamp on hip-hop. Especially...ewww...BLACK rappers. 

MTV's failure to recognize anything black is well-documented throughout the years, but MTV is clearly trolling all of us. 


Justin Timberlake is somehow R&B Jesus 

This might not end well. 

I won't sit here and tell you how incredible and amazing Justin Timberlake is, because he is. He's cool. Talented. Hard Worker. But one thing he is NOT

He is not the king of R&B or soul. He is not R&B Jesus. He's more like Pop Jesus. His music isn't R&B, and his attempts at soul (Holy Grail, That Girl, etc) are awkward attempts at best for my likings. Timbaland isn't exactly a soul producer or musician, and 90% of his production is synthesized or with his mouth. Its not a slight on either party, but I don't consider them strictly R&B.   

R&B music is dead. Its all hybrid shit, with very few artists that can do R&B music very well are deadbeats (see my last post).

Let's call JT what he is: a very talented pop megastar with elements of R&B, Soul, and Funk. 

Yes, Timberlake has the ultimate honorary black card. Yes he's beloved in our community. But before y'all make him a nigga, just understand the type of music that he makes. 

(Also, I suggest Allen Stone or Mayer Hathrowne if you're trying to fill that white soul boy quota on your iTunes)

Miley Cyrus making the fatal white person mistake of confusing being cool and edgy with acting "black"


I'm not going to go too deep into this one. You see it happening. You've probably seen this happen in high school. I don't have to comment on how Miley asked for a more "urban, hood" vibe on her new album. Or the fact that the new album is aptly named "Bangerz." Or the fact she has a song with Justin Beiber called "Twerk." You see it happening. Miley probably sees this as an opportunity to break free of the "Hannah Montana" days and create a new identity for herself. 

Problem is, in Hannah Montana, we were laughing because she was pretending. 

We're doing the exact same thing now

In about 3 alive Miley Cyrus

Dictated, not read


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The 5 Real Deadbeat Dads To R&B

(If you missed my "5 Deadbeat Dads Of Hip-Hop" blog, check it out here. You'll have all the context you need for this post)

Where do I begin...

R&B. Turns out if you ask the average person what the hell R and B stands for, many of them can't tell you that it stands for rhythm and blues. Many people can't tell you an R&B artist before 1970. Hell, many people can't tell you an R&B singer now that's not white.

Regardless, you're not here for a history lesson.

You're here to read about me talk about the deadbeat dads of R&B. And edges. 

They had us fooled like K. Michelle's rear end. At first, these five guys were great dads to R&B. They took care of the elements of soul. Paid dues. They payed tribute to their roots in their music. But now? 

You can't find these niggas anywhere near R&B music anymore. Its like trying to find a husband for Kenya Moore. Not in God's will at the current moment. (Or ever)

Below are the 5 deadbeat dads to R&B. 


He fooled us. He fooled me. And he fooled you. 

How you ask? 

Remember "How Does It Feel?" The video? The Prince-esque faslettos? The fact that you can't recite any of the verse because you don't know what the fuck D'Angelo is saying in the verse? 

(I'm serious, if you know the verses to this song, feel free to @ me with it. No google, no wiki.) 

Well, that song was about the fact that he's about to leave our asses for 12 gotdamnned years without an explanation. 

D'Angelo, talent wise, is the best deadbeat dad on this list. Vocally and musically, he's in a category of his own. Questlove called him the last real R&B artist left on earth. He did all the chores. He paid the bills. He tried to do right by Angie Stone....yeah....her....

But once the pressure of being a in-demand dad for his kids became too much, he ran. He scoffed at the notion of being a sex symbol. He felt his music (R&B) was being overlooked and decided to face his demons head-on.  

When you get a chance, read the GQ interview with him for a full-explanation of his troubles, background, and his redemption. He's trying. But we can't deny the fact that he's a deadbeat dad to R&B.  

D'Angelo is "back" on the grind, and we're STILL waiting for an album. Unlike anyone in urban music, we are clamoring for D'Angelo to be great. We want to put him in the same sentence as the greats. But 2 albums in 18 years, though 2 very impressive albums, won't put you in the same sentence as Marvin Gaye, James Brown, and Curtis Mayfield. Sorry. 


This is an interesting one. 

Usher, for all intents and purposes, is the most commercially successful deadbeat dad on this list. From the age of 14 when he attended Diddy's camp (please read about how Diddy used to send a 13 year-old Usher to strip clubs. Great read). Usher's forte? R&B music. As much as fans and critics wanted to make him the next MJ, he's simply Usher. His catalog is filled with R&B classics. Confessions is his Blueprint. He beat up Tyrese in the "My Way" video. 

Usher was a great father to R&B. Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis made sure he took care of it. But then came along this futurisic slave ass nigga


Who produced "OMG" and Usher's profile exploded overseas. Now we're stuck with an Usher rocking a Caesar cut, dressing 23, jumping around doing rave pop music, missing notes, and fist pumping instead of sticking to his R&B roots. His last album (dope by the way) barely went gold. Critics say that he alienated his core fans fuckin with this new revolutionary pop sound. 

And now we're left with this.

This is clearly Chili's fault. 

(....and I'll allow it)

Come home dad. We need you. 



Just kidding. 

Maxwell. Once heralded as the next Prince. Is a deadbeat dad to R&B music. But when he comes back home to R&B music....


To his credit, Maxwell has 4 very stellar albums, and is considered by many the finest light-skinted crooner of his generation. But between 2001 and 2009, he literally disappeared. Can you imagine leaving a child for 8 years without a trace? 

You probably get this

He came back in 2009 with Pretty Wings. Which is basically telling women get the fuck out of my life so you can love good again. And we got these hussies, blinded by the bells and chords, walking down the aisle to this song. 


Bobby Brown - THE KANG OF R&B

You ever see that dad in the neighborhood who brags about how he used to go toe-to-toe with Michael Jordan in his prime, and the kids look at him like "nigga please"

That's being Bobby Brown for ya. 

Bobby Brown is credited with being the premier New Jack Swing artist of the late 80s. From his humble beginnings in New Edition, to his successful yet troubled solo career, Bobby Brown garnered flack for essentially being himself. Hell, he released an album last year. That makes a total of 5 albums in 30 years. FIVE. 

But he's a deadbeat dad to R&B music. He's the DMX of this list, in the sense that his constant non-music endeavors completely overshadowed the fact that he was the one of the best R&B artists of his time. And like DMX, we can blame drugs for most of it. And its not that other R&B artists before his time suffered from the same demons. 

Those other R&B artists weren't married to the greatest vocal performer of our generation. Whitney Houston. (RIP)

Sadly, neither singer was able to regain their form musically (Whitney got a lot closer than Bobby) and their tumultuous marriage was marred by tabloids for infidelities, arrests, and their reality show. I think he gets unfairly credited with "ruining" Whitney's career. But imagine if he would've stayed home with R&B music and put the shenanigans aside. 

We would get more of this

Finally, the last deadbeat dad to this list........

Lauryn Hill (again)....

(just kidding....but nigga you know I'm right)

Actually, its this nigga

Mario Winans

Yup. I said it. 

Mario Winans comes from the legendary Winans singing family. His production and writing skills are top-notch. Him, along with Stevie J (my hero) are credited with creating the foundation for Bad Boy's record label success. In 2004, Mario released the song "I Don't Want To Know" which exploded nationally. Regardless of how you feel about infidelity, the song struck a nerve, and Winans was at the front of the new R&B scene. 9 years later, we are left with.....


Whether or not this feeds into the Bad Boy curse, Mario hasn't left much closure for his fans or critics. To come from a legendary family, who loves to take care of Gospel, Mario is clearly content being a deadbeat dad for R&B. 

There you have it. Once again, this isn't a knock. Just that these 5 guys have yet to provide any closure to their fans from a R&B standpoint. They have too much talent for it to be wasted on Lauryn Hill island. 

Dictated not read


Honorable mention: Jon B, J. Holiday, Remy Shand, and Tyrese.