Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The 5 Real Deadbeat Dads To Hip-Hop




With hip-hop being the bastard child, the 5 hip-hop figures below have treated the genre (lately) like a deadbeat dad treats his son, or what we like to call "A Draya." Unlike a deadbeat dad, these people have contributed more to the hip-hop culture than most. Their legacies are cemented in many circles, but unresolved in others. 

Its not funny to call anyone a deadbeat dad without sufficient evidence. But for the hip-hop genre, its entirely appropriate to do so.  After all, Hip-Hop is a bastardized genre compared to others. The problem is that these artists' musical destinies are unresolved. They leave their fans and critics in suspense  like an Ameriie record. These five artists have not provided any real closure to their fans. 

But what have we gotten since then? 

Broken promises. Distractions. Lack of interest. And lack of edges. And when you continue to disappoint the child (being hip-hop), you are left with this guy 



All we want is for these 5 figures below to provide closure to their fans. Or some more gotdamn material to keep our mouths shut. 

So, here goes...

Ladies and Gents, I present, THE 5 REAL DEADBEAT DADS TO HIP-HOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andre 3000  





He made the perfect album with "The Love Below". He is hip-hop sole transcendent figure. Jay-Z called him a male version of Lauryn Hill....which I'm not sure is considered a compliment anymore. 

(I'm not sure if Jay-Z saying your name in any form is a compliment nowadays. THANK YOU BASED MILEY). 

He is the first known living survivor of Erykah Badu Box. And he's an amazing deadbeat dad to hip-hop. AMAZING. 

Every once in a while, 3000 will swing back around the neighborhood, probably in a spaceship, and drop by Hip-Hop's house, and deliver a nice guest feature to keep us excited. He'll fix up the house, do chores, read homework, and play video games with you or some shit. Then, all happy n shit,  you're like... 

"Dad!! Its good to have you back!! Can you stay? Play some ball with us? Can you take us to the barbershop? Dad, you are so great at fixing things, can you fix my bike?"

Then he leaves for like 6 months. 

Then you make the Fresh Prince face when he tries to go with his Pops.



WHY DON'T HE WANT ME UNCLE PHIL???!!!!!

In your mind, you are thinking after 10 years since dropping a solo album, Andre will settle down, and father these hipster kids he's influenced. Maybe, just maybe, Andre will stay in hip-hop's home, and put out a solo album.

Nope.

Simply put, He's content with having visitation rights to hip-hop. He makes 75K a guest verse. His verses are always noteworthy. His "Sorry" verse on T.I.'s song puts his career in great perspective. And though there are rumors that he's working on a new album in 2014, it won't erase his negligence for the last years. 

You can't please everybody....

Dr. Dre 




LOOK OUT FOR DETOX - Dre in 2005. In 2005. George W Bush was our gotdamn President back then.




Hip-hop  ranks Dr. Dre at the the top of the list in terms of production. His legacy in hip-hop is beyond cemented. But he's a deadbeat dad to hip-hop. And has been since Chronic 2001

He traded in family time with Hip-Hop in exchange for A-Rod's stash of steroids and selling 300 dollar plastic headphones. And we're like "Dad, you promised us Detox in 2005. You've only released TWO albums in 23 years. You tell us you're coming back, but you treat us like animal." But unlike Andre 3K, who probably just teleports to Stankonia,  Dr. Dre is openly cheating on hip-hop with headphones. Headphones my nigga.

He's probably the best known deadbeat dad to hip-hop we've known ONLY on terms of dropping his own material. Contributions wise, the nigga done paid his child support since 1989. We still need some damn closure tho.


Cee-lo 



This is an interesting one. Cee-lo has completely re-invented himself into the black Elton John. His singing projects have been received with critical acclaim and positive fan reception. But before Cee-lo got married to Pop music, he was banging the shit out of Hip-Hop. Now he's an absentee dad to Hip-Hop. What gives?

In the late 90s, Cee-lo was a high-ranking member of legendary hip-hop group Goodie Mob. Cee-lo's rapping ability and unique voice stood out among everybody in the South not named Andre 3000. But like 3000, Cee-lo sought greener pastures. 

Hip-Hop wasn't cooking at home (well, judging by his equator size waist, we'd disagree). Hip-Hop didn't treat him like he was that nigga. 

Hip-Hop became a Twitter Honey to Cee-lo, and rather than stick around and see Hip-Hop get Instagram likes from other niggas, Cee-lo left and found a new boo. Now Hip-Hop is left with...................ummmm........



I won't say that Cee-lo should come back to hip-hop. He's doing just fine neglecting it. 

DMX  



Dark Man X. DMX. 90s Babies do not understand how much of a stronghold on hip-hop he had in the late 90s. Other than Jay-Z, no one has had more consecutive No 1. Albums than DMX. Despite the fact that he has 10 children by (rumored to be) 7 women, DMX is a deadbeat dad to hip-hop. Instead of chasing a different genre of music like Cee-lo, or having your side hustle become your main hustle like Dr. Dre, DMX chasing something we like to call

WHITE HORSE. 


On this list, DMX is the sole deadbeat dad to hip-hop who abandoned it for cocaine. Most people who grow up with parents who are on crack know that its an addiction that takes precedent over anything in life. Even edges. No rapper has been arrested more than DMX since 1999. 

We don't even realize that DMX released an album last September. THAT'S how much of a deadbeat dad he is to hip-hop nowadays. And its sad. I miss him barking on records, killing 56 niggas, and praying at the end of  albums. 

Lauryn Hill



Yes. The Queen of Natural Hair and Shea Butter is the sole deadbeat mom to hip-hop. All the joy in her world went to her family, which is actually admirable if you think about it. But after one album, which at the moment cemented her legacy among the greats, Lauryn Hill straight abandoned hip-hop. 

She became a recluse, resenting any type of accolades she may or may not have achieved. (Its rumored that she didn't write 90% of her stuff on her MisEducation album) She continued to have more kids and not hiring any accountants in the same vein. Her last album was released in 1995. (I don't count that Unplugged mess) One album in *shivers* 18 years. That's a full-ass adult since Lauryn came back home to hip-hop. 

Regardless of how you may perceive her, 90s babies know that Lauryn Hill was a force to be reckoned with.  Let's call it what is it. She's a deadbeat mom. And probably not a good person as well. 



There you have it. We just want closure. That's all. No more suspense, steroids, apologizing for messing up the tour, crackish behavior, and IRS tax evasion. Just closure. 

Until then, this is all Wale's fault. 

Dictated not read
Lee


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