Thursday, August 11, 2016

Top Ten Most Misbehaved White House Kids of All-Time

Let's face it.

You've probably never met a well-behaved kid named Connor, Hunter, or Ethan. Hell, naming your kid after yourself (Jr.) raises a child's Madden delinquency rating by 50.

Let's face it. Parenting is a difficult and thankless job. It's like doing extra-credit at Devry. It's a job that saps whatever mental fortitude you have left from being yelled at for 10 hours. You help with homework. You do chores and yell orders at your kids in hopes they turn out better than Joseline Hernandez. You sacrifice. Pay bills. All in efforts to provide a path of success and prosperity for your children. 

Enter the President of the United States (POTUS). The toughest 250K job in the world. The only job where you have to raise millions of dollars and endure a 2-4 year public job interview. The job where your words can send millions of people hope, despair, or Taco Bell coupons. You work 16 hours a day and get your day off criticized by the media because LORD KNOWS taking a break from leading the free world will inspire the terrorists. To compound that, the POTUS has a family to attend to just like Jon and Kate plus 8.  

The trend we see with most successful people in this country, chasing success can often lead to neglecting family obligations and duties. Thus, leaving their children in an often rebellious and resentful state of mind. 

Recently, Malia Obama was caught on camera smoking marijuana, which is like a 6 on the conservative "NOT IN MY HOUSE" douchebag terror alert. I don't have time for a weed debate, but if the media is about to make this Malia Obama non-issue an issue, let's examine legendary White House problem children and see if Malia holds a candle to them in the misbehaving playing field....

10. Lucy Johnson - Daughter of Lyndon B Johnson. Currently a very successful business woman and public servant, Lucy Johnson had a sleepover with a friend and wanted to light up the fireplace. Problem is, neither of them knew how, and in moments nearly burned down the Executive Mansion near the White House. Nobody was hurt or injured.

9. Robert Lincoln - Oldest son of Honest Abe, Robert followed in the footsteps of failing upward like Lane Kiffin. Besides having an mentally ill mother, losing 3 brothers to death before 18, and publicly acknowledging the lack of a father figure in the household, he was doomed to fail, even as the President's son.  Bob and his brothers regularly trashed the White House, and drove the White House staff crazy. Robert had flunked out of school numerous times as a kid. He tried to get into Harvard and failed 13 out of 16 subjects on the test. Not exactly misbehaving royalty, as he became a very successful politician and astronomer considering the circumstances. 

8. The Garfield Boys - POTUS James Garfield had 7 kids. Garfield was a President who enjoyed the White House and with his own kids, played numerous pranks and practical jokes on the entire White House staff. It got to a point where one journalist from the Seattle Star called his kids "holy terrors". The Washington Post in 2012 called his kids the "the worst". 

7. George Washington Adams - Oldest son of John Quincy Adams. Like his father and his astronomical high expectations for John Quincy, Johnny Q had the same expectations for George. Unfortunately he suffered with depression and alcoholism, not to mention womanizing. He was described as a very troubled paranoid youth.  He committed suicide in 1829, while his Pops was in office by jumping off a bridge into the Benjamin Franklin river. Whet? 


6.- Amy and Jack Carter were millennials at a time where disco and party culture became a mainstream phenomenon. Jack Carter regularly hung out with Willie Nelson, flunked out of 3 colleges, and was honorably discharged from the Navy for smoking weed. Amy Carter's best friend was Abbie Hoffman, of the Chicago Eight. The FBI has a 13.000 page file on Hoffman alone. Imagine being President, and seeing your daughter participating in sit-ins, protests, and openly being a hippie with a alleged anarchist.  

5. - Son of John Adams, Charles Adams is basically the Freddo of his family. The HBO show "Adams" depicted him as drunken coward compared to his older, more successful brother John Quincy. He struggled with alcohol and was a public drunk. Sadly he died at the age of 30 of alcoholism, while his father was in office. 

4. - Daughter of Teddy Roosevelt, and the most interesting and fascinating person on this list. There aren't enough words to describe the awesomeness of Alice Roosevelt, so I'll do it in bullet-points. 

- wore "pants" in public
- drag racing her car down DC streets
- gambled on horse-racing with her Dad's money
- "ran amuck with gentlemen weekly"
- kept a pet snake that she would use to...get her way with people
- smoked cigarettes in public 
- blackmailed her step-mother to get out of going to boarding school
- partied harder than the Rolling Stones

Please read about Alice Roosevelt. 

3. Bush Girls - Their partying ways and underage drinking escapades have been known publicly for a long time. Just imagine if they had IG/Facebook back when they were tearing up the city. Put it this way: their nickname from the New York Post was "Jenna Tonic'....adsfijalfjasdfa

2. Patti Reagan - Patti disagreed with her father's politics vehemently. How far did she go? She wrote two books revealing all the dirty laundry about her family while he was in office. She struggled with coke addiction, openly admitted to have sex in the Oval Office, and an early supporter of LGBT rights in the 80s. To "top" if off, she posed for Playboy in 1994. She later changed her last name to distance herself from the Reagan name. 

1, George W Bush - You forget that his Dad was President, so technically he's on this list. He wins this list by default. It's clear as day his childhood upbringing was a precursor to becoming arguably one of the worst Presidents of the last 50 years. I would further divulge, but hell, I ain't getting paid for this. 

Lay off Malia Obama. She is exceeding expectations if we're being honest

And a little bit of Wikipedia. Hey, it's a blog, not a college essay

Dictated not read.