Monday, November 6, 2017

Spades And NFL QBs; Where Does Your QB Rank?

If there's anything the NFL loves more than hypocrisy, overreacting, and Papa John's pizza, it is probably gambling.

Gambling is what drives point spreads, fosters an entire fantasy scenario for poor (and rich) fools to put their ESPN acumen to the test and play GM for a semester. It's gets your adrenaline going. You feel accomplished that you can properly predict a sporting event who's randomness is 2nd only to baseball. Access to that kind of weekly power can lead to high stakes, high reward as well as being the laughingstock of your fantasy league thanks to being out-dueled by a 57 year old mom-of-3 who doesn't even watch football. But I have a more interesting proposition...

Quarterbacks (QBs). The most important position in arguably any sport on the planet. A QB can be the reason why your team remains elite for decades, or the butt of all jokes. In this obsessive ratings and ranking culture, rather than subscribing to sabre-metrics culture, why not reduce our rankings to cards???!!!!! Genius. I thought of it first, foh.

So for this exercise, we are going to play Spades, except with NFL QBs. For those of you ethnically challenged people, Spades is a popular cards game that involves collecting "books" aka obtaining the winning hand. The highest ranking card wins, except for a spade. A spade can beat any other suit except another higher spade (Unless deuces are wild, which we won't use in this case). We will use 10s, Jacks, Queens, Kings, Aces, and Jokers to rank our QBs. Rookie QBs will not be evaluated.

Here goes: 2017 QB Blackjack Rankings!!


Tyrod Taylor (Buffalo Bills)-  Former Hokie Tyrod Taylor is an interesting case. You're not sure 3 years into his career if he can win your team games or lose them. Despite his talent, and relatively stable supporting cast, You can win a few hands if you play your cards right. 10 Of Clubs

Jameis Winston (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) - Famous Jameis on paper has all the arm talent and leadership qualities Donald Trump would bigly kill for. It's been about 3 years, the Bucs are inconsistent, and the jury is still out on his ability to become an elite QB. There's no questioning his will to win. Moreso how he wins. 10 Of Hearts

Marcus Mariota (Tennessee Titans) - Jameis' counterpart, Mariota's arrival has turned Tennessee from a wildly mediocre franchise to a less mediocre franchise. A 10 is fair for now, but he could become a Jack or Queen depending on his health. He will win you meaningless games for the time being. 10 Of Diamonds

Andy Dalton (Cincinnati Bengals) - Andy Dalton is the NFL's poster boy of doing all the right things during the regular season, but short-circuiting in the playoffs. If he played anywhere else, he would have been benched in his 2nd year, but thanks to his supporting cast, he's managed to bring QB stability for a city who can care less. He's a 10 Of Spades, only because of AJ Green, who has kept Dalton at QB since their arrival. The Bengals will make the playoffs, but no one trusts them to win with Dalton at QB.


Kirk Cousins (Washington Racists) - My QB. A QB who can't win against good teams (3-17 since 2015) and looks competent against bad teams. He's a Jack. He can win you some books if you play your cards right, but if you try to hold him, you'll get eaten up by Kings/Queens/Aces. Jack Of Clubs

Carson Palmer (Arizona Cardinals) - On paper, Palmer has had King talent from the day he was drafted #1 overall. Inconsistent play as well as injuries in general have reduced his ranking over the years. He's a Jack because like Cousins, he'll beat bad teams, but can you trust him to beat good teams? Jack Of Hearts

Jared Goff (LA Rams) - Last year's #1 draft pick went from looking like Jeff Fisher's motivational speeches to possibly the MVP of the league. With new coach Sean McVay at the helm, he has completely lived up to expectations lofted upon him out of college. BUT, it may be too early to anoint him as a Queen/King/Ace two seasons in. Jack of Diamonds

Derek Carr (Oakland Raiders) - I remember when the Raiders meant something in the NFL. Before his arrival, the Raiders were as irrelevant as Iggy Azelea for the last 15 years. An All-Pro in his 2nd season, Carr may be a King or Ace one day, but the Raiders have looked inconsistent all season. His WRs drop more balls than Republicans do to health-care reform. But if the Raiders can get it together? Jack Of Spades


Alex Smith (Kansas City Chiefs) - Captain Checkdown aka Alex Smith has a very strange career. Failed to live up to expectations in the midst of franchise instability, and didn't look like a pro QB until Jim Harbaugh came into the picture. Gets traded to KC, and under Andy Reid looks like he's finally living up to potential. He's consistent, plays safe, and is athletic enough to be a Super Bowl winning QB. He can outduel Jacks, Queens, and even Kings/Aces on occasion. But, you can't discredit his past. Queen of Hearts 

Matthew Stafford (Detroit Lions) - I don't think we give Matt Stafford enough credit for being an slightly above-average QB on a cursed football team. The highest paid player in the League has more 4th Q comebacks in the last two years than anyone. He has all the attributes and talent to be elite. He's paid like he's elite. He can compete with the elite. But can you trust him in the playoffs? Until that happens. Queen of Diamonds

Carson Wentz (Philadelphia Eagles) - Wentz had plenty of skeptics coming out of North Dakota State. We saw flashes of his talent early in his rookie season. But this season, he's looking like the second coming of Aaron Rodgers. The Eagles are loaded with talent and are the best team in the L (as of now). Wentz looks the part, and we will be able to place him among Kings and possibly the Aces one day. Queen of Clubs. 

Dak Prescott - (Dallas Cowboys) - The Cowboys finally have stability at the QB position. Prescott has taken the foundation Tony Romo built and ascended to the elite QBs of the NFL. If you watched Dak in college, you knew he was special, and the Cowboys will be relevant for the next 10 years because of him. As long as he plays for the Cowboys, they will make sure he has enough talent around him to win every year. Queen of Spades. 


Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers) - Cam Newton's NFL career is a rollercoaster ride. He either looks like an MVP on some days and a bust on other days. He's always the best athlete on the field as well as the biggest athlete on the field. Despite Carolina literally running him in the ground and not surrounding him with enough talent, his talent transcends the franchise. King of Diamonds

Matt Ryan (Atlanta Falcons) - I struggled with this ranking. He's the reigning MVP, and has the stats and winning to back it up. He was an offensive coordinator away from winning a Super Bowl. But because he plays for the Falcons, a snake-bitten franchise who finds inexplicable ways to lose, we can never fully trust him. Sure he's a King of Clubs, but man, I feel like a 10 or Jack of Spades can take him out at any moment. King of Clubs

Philip Rivers (Los Angeles Chargers) - I didn't struggle with this one. Like Matt Ryan, Philip Rivers is a HOF QB with the stats to match. While the Chargers are not entirely snakebitten like the Falcons, they are so hapless. The Chargers are notorious under-acheivers, and have wasted Rivers' prime years. Granted they were against the ascension of Tom Brady, but it's hard to pin all of the Chargers franchise woes on Rivers. King of Hearts.

Russell Wilson (Seattle Seahawks) - If he was 6'4", he would be an Ace. Plain and simple. Russell Wilson pound for pound is the best QB in the NFL. The offense literally is him scrambling and finding passing lanes while avoiding contact better than anyone in the NFL. He's also a walking Banana Republic ad to the media. Once Brady or Brees retires, he will easily be elected to the Aces. King of Spades isn't a bad consolation prize.


Ben Roethlisberger (Pittsburgh Steelers) - Big Ben is as tough as any QB in the league. Ben certainly has the resume of being an Ace among Kings. Two-time winning Super Bowl QB. 70% winning percentage in his entire career. Always among the highest-rated passers in the L. 13 seasons as the franchise QB. Ace of Hearts

Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints) - I remember Drew Brees on the Chargers, and thought why (despite his bum shoulder) would they let this guy walk. Brees is arguably the greatest free agent singing in NFL history. He can out-duel anyone, and will eventually break every passing record once he retires. He's kept the Saints relevant and competitive despite not having a great defense to match his prolific passing ability. Ace of Diamonds. 

Tom Brady - (New England Patriots) - Terrific Tom can be considered the greatest QB of all-time. I'm not going to run down his resume or stats. He has everything. The ONLY reason he's an Ace of Clubs and not an Ace of Spades is that a ton of his credit goes to his coach Bill Belichek. It's not a knock on him per say, but I feel like if you remove the coach, you might get a King or Queen of a QB. Ace of Clubs. 

Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers ) - The best QB I've ever seen play football. No one makes QBing in the NFL look easier than Aaron Rodgers. His talent and football IQ is nearly unmatched, and his teams are always competitive despite injuries and lack of free agent talent around him. If you put Rodgers up against anyone, you always feel like the Packers have a good chance of winning. Especially at home. Ace of Spades.


Eli Manning (New York Giants) - There's not a 2-time winning QB on the planet I trust less than Eli Manning. Eli is the poster-child of inconsistency in the NFL despite having great offensive talent around him. But on a good day, Eli can beat an Ace under the most intense situations. Those two SB rings came against Tom Brady and the Patriots.

Joe Flacco (Baltimore Ravens) - A poor man's Ben Roethisberger. Is Joe Flacco elite? Not really. Is he bad? Not really. If you ask anyone what does Joe Flacco does very well, you'll either get a variety of answers, or no answers at all. Despite having one of the best runs to the Super Bowl, no one trusts Joe Flacco until you are forced  to trust him. And in those never know what you'll get.

Dictated, not read


Thursday, August 17, 2017

Top 5 U.S. Presidents Who Literally Legislated White Supremacy

This is clearly Wale's fault by the way. 

The United States has a dreadful history full of examples of enacting white supremacist policies, alienating minorities, women, and K. Michelle fans. Throughout history, U.S. Presidents have repeatedly beckoned and compromised to their political base to maintain the proper oligarchy that is, white supremacy. It may not be overt like a David Duke dinner party, but for years, legislation has been enacted to disenfranchise EVERY single minority for hundreds of years.

For the sake of this blog, I won't simply hold U.S. Presidents owning slaves sorely as an act of white supremacy, because that was clearly of the norm for wealthy white men of that time. Many Presidents freed slaves after their deaths (John and John Quincy Adams are the only Presidents before Civil War who didn't own slaves), willed them money/land, and expressed regret for contributing to the practice. But there was a entire fucking Congressional gag order in 1836 that banned politicians from talking about slavery reforms in Congressional hearings. 

President Donald "I've been sued 134 times in 7 months" Trump has recently endorsed a specific minority immigration ban targeting people of Arab descent, literally justified Neo-Nazi behavior in a protest they started, been reluctant to denounce white supremacist leaders while appointing them to office, and tasked Mexico to build a wall that we are going to pay for. His xenophobia knows no bounds. blah blah blah

dude, where is Jared Kushner right now? 

It's okay. I have Donald Trump fatigue too. I won't burden your time with how his Presidency is going thus far. BUT

I am looking for some kind of historical precedent that links Trump's radical white supremacist exclusionary  behavior to past U.S. Presidents. Surely there's been a precedent set by past U.S. Presidents that would explain why the U.S. is slow to take up on this kind of behavior. Right? I mean, we can't solely blame the lack of progress solely on angry white Southern men with misplaced anger and bad breath. 


Well, let's take a look.. 


Andrew Johnson

Crime: Undoing Lincoln's policies, vetoing an amendment to grant voting rights to free black slave men after the Civil War.  

Justification: Like, only 11 states out of 36 would benefit from it, angering his white Southern voting base. 

Andrew Johnson is considered by most historians as the worst President of all time. After becoming President upon Abraham Lincoln's assassination, Johnson had the difficult task of enacting Reconstruction with the recently defeated Southern states. Though he was Republican (which was the progressive party of its era), his party expected him to provide civil rights to freed slaves as full citizens with voting rights. Trying to appease his Southern voters, he vetoed a bill protecting their full rights because he felt that only 11 states had actual congressional representation at the time. Problem? Congress overrode the veto, which has only been done TWICE in U.S. history. This eventually led to his impeachment, and unpopularity among his peers, except (yup, you guessed it) White Southerns, who elected Johnson back to the Senate in Tennessee after he was almost impeached. This led to the reversal of black men appointed to Congressional positions, the rise of Jim Crow, and conditions for newly freed slaves to remain terrible for years to come. 

Woodrow Wilson

Crime: Enacting segregation policies, supporting black intellectual inferiority

Justification: Segregation is for your own good

Woody Wilson was among the most intellectually sound U.S. Presidents of his time. Guiding the U.S. through World War I granted his Presidency enormous popularity. Hell, he won a Nobel Peace Prize.  Wilson prided himself on being an intellectual, and being the 2nd Democratic President since the Civil War. But as far as racial relations? Bruh

As President of Princeton University, he strongly discouraged blacks from applying there, citing their safety. He attended the film debut of the KKK's "The Birth Of A Nation." He replaced many black congressional leaders with white ones. He banned the Japanese from owning land in the states. His views on segregation? "Segregation is not a humiliation but a benefit, and ought to be so regarded by you gentlemen"....yup, this has angry White southern men written all over it (He was born in Virginia). He refused to fund federal anti-lynching laws at a time where blacks were being lynched in record numbers, because Congress was so gotdamn racist back then, he knew it wouldn't pass. Side note, he also enacted Prohibition, giving rise to the Mafia for years to come. Fuck him. 

Thomas Jefferson

Crime: Owning more slaves than anyone despite legislating policies banning it
Justification: Brown sugar aka my sons and daughters are bi-racial!! (allegedly) 

Thomas Jefferson is arguably the most influential founding father of U.S. History. Writer of the Declaration of Independence and many other constitutional laws, Jefferson's legacy among historians is polarizing. While banning the Atlantic slave trade by 1818, Jefferson owned more slaves than any other President in history. He went to great lengths to suppress slavery in new territories,  The whole 3/5th of a human thingy came directly from Jefferson's views on black inferiority. Perhaps spooked by the Haitian Revolution of 1794, Jefferson remained publicly silent on slavery throughout his Presidency, and continued to enforce black codes despite having remotely progressive views on slavery. His lengthy affair with his slave Sally Hemmings is well-documented, and literally has black descendants to this day with his DNA. Hell, he ONLY freed her sons/daughters when he passed away. Though he was aware of the North-South rift that would eventually lead to the Civil War, we can't put this entirely on angry White southerners. Entirely.  

Andrew Jackson  

Crime: Literally removing Indians from their homelands by military force

Justification: Andrew Jackson is a fucking psycho

If you're looking for some type of precedent to link Donald Trump to past Presidents, look no further than Andrew Jackson. A tyrant, war hero, and all-around psycho, Jackson's historical reputation is polarizing. Like Trump, he wanted to ban the Electoral College. He shut down the Federal Reserve. He shot people in duels while in office. He owned up to 300 slaves. His only regret in life is that he didn't kill Henry Clay and John Calhoun. He oddly also had adopted Native American children. Weird. 

In 1830, probably as a result of his experiences with the Seminole Wars, he enacted the Indian Removal Act, removing native tribes from their homelands for settlers moving westward. He's responsible for the Cherokee Trail of Tears, and setting a governmental precedent that saw native tribes lose their lands for many years to come. This only benefited white Southerners, looking to settle in fertile plantation grounds, and western settlers looking to establish a new life. These acts literally wiped out numerous native American tribes who didn't comply. So, yeah. Score: Angry White Southerns. 

Grover Cleveland  

Crime: Banning Chinese immigrants from the the U.S. until 1943
Justification: not willing to assimilate to white cultural standards

Grover Cleveland remains as the only President to be elected in two non-consecutive terms. A jolly looking man who married a woman 28 years younger than him, and possibly having a baby mama committed to a mental institution, he's on this list for enacting a strange yet controversial act. 

The Chinese began immigrating to the U.S. in the early 1850s, seeking opportunities for jobs working as day laborers and railroad workers. This outraged white railroad workers, which enabled Congress to enacted a ban on incoming Chinese immigrants (leaving 30,000 stranded). Cleveland believe the Chinese would never integrate into white society, thus enforcing the Chinese Exclusion Act. The Chinese were forced to either leave, or fight the courts via appeals, which they did until 1943. White Southerners were literally the cause of this, citing that Reconstruction had failed them (you could argue that this is true), and cited that the Chinese were TAKIN OUR JOBS ERR DUH AND TAKING OUR COUNTREE ERR DUH when they moved westward. 

See the pattern since 17 fucking 94? Angry white southerners in and out of Congress have led to literally holding back racial progress from all minority groups therefore getting in the way of America being great. And I didn't even include Latinos (TWO Mexican wars, stealing Texas), Irish (People paying to send an Irishman to war instead of them in the Civil War), Italians (temporary immigration bans, were counted as black citizens until the 1900s) and Pacific Islanders (You think Hawaii just let us make them a state?)

There you have it. 

Dictated not read

- Lee

SOURCES: hella wikipedia breh