Friday, November 15, 2013

The Curse Of Ciara: 5 Guys' Careers Nearly Ruined by Ciara.

It's been a minute. Been busy. Welcome back to the Terrordome. 


If you ask the average person about Ciara, 9 times out of 10, you're going to get "whisperer-singer" "Goodies girl" "great dancer" "possible porn actress" or "Janet Jackson lite." An over-achiever to some, and an under-achiever to many. Probably should pursue a career in porn. 

Ciara has some hits, some misses, and a video that you should never view if you plan to have a daughter. 

Such a bad omen to come of this....

If you follow me on Twitter (@leetreble_, don't do it), you know how I promote Erykah Badu theory. Baduizm has left some of hip-hop's greatest talents (Andre 3K, Common, Jay Electronica) in an idiosyncratic state of funk. Sometimes its for the better (3K dropped the Love Below after dating Badu) and other times you get this....

If you click on this picture five times, you see Joe Budden with a hookah strapped to his neck

Regardless of how you feel about her feet musical talent, Ciara is fine as hell.  There's a reason why she's dated so many high-profile guys (while oddly dodging the hoe accusations that Kim Kardashian unfairly owns)

But this isn't about Ciara or her broad shoulders. This is about the men she's dated, and how she's left EVERY single one of these guys irrelevant, ineffective, and almost useless. Here goes. 

Five Guys Nearly Ruined By Ciara's box. 

Bow Wow

Clearly an auto-biographical film

Wow Bow. The man who used to run 106 and Park is now working as a host of 106 and Park. Bow Wow went from child megastar to moderately successful teenager rapper, and for a moment, looked poised to rise to greatness. Then he starting dating Ciara, who is a foot taller than him. Probably. 

Oddly, the long cross chains aren't the most disturbing thing about this picture. 

In 2005. Broke up at the end of 2006. What's happened since then? 

Dropped from TWO labels. Sued for unpaid child support. Unwanted by anyone in the industry. A very public Twitter meltdown where he mentioned suicide. Told a judge he's broke in 2011. He's sold 5 million records. But he's only worth 300K...ouch 

Cold world, but it gets colder. 

50 Cent

In 2007, 50 Cent, oddly dating Chelsea Handler, snapped back into reality, and broke up with her for Ciara. They dated for 3 years, and broke up quietly in 2010. 

50 Cent is one of most successful rap artists of all-time, cashing in his rap stature for more money via other ventures. But 50 Cent isn't on here because of money.

He's here because he's COMPLETELY irrelevant. In fact, NEW YORK HIP-HOP is irrelevant. And hecan't rap good anymore :-(

Can you name a 50 Cent single since 2010? Nope.

 Has 50 Cent dropped an album since 2010? YES. Two. Ok? Name them.......



Not only that, he's no longer BFFs with Floyd Mayweather?

Justin Beiber a funny motherfucka ain't he? 



I'll keep this short and sweet. 

Ludacris. Dated Ciara in 2008. Dropped this ABOMINATION OF A SONG IN 2010.

No words. No words....

Fuck that song b

Amare Stoudamire

This is an interesting one. Amare, coming off his best season as Phoenix Sun, signs a 100 million dollar contract with the New York Knicks in 2010. Guess who he starts dating in 2010?


So, after an early MVP campaign in the first half of the 2010 season, injuries and Carmelo Anthony's arrival literally rendered Amare's game useless. Once a top 10 NBA talent in his prime, injury-proned Amare is being paid 20 million dollars to come off the bench. Peep this

Amare stats before Ciara: 21.45 PPG, 9.0 REBS per game. Limited defense capabilities.
Amare stats after Ciara: 18 PPG, 7 REBS. NO DEFENSE CAPABILITIES. 

Amare probably saw this, and got back with his now-wife, who he literally married 6 months later.  

(Funny story, I went to college with Amare's now-wife's sister. They were "engaged" for like 8 years before Ciara lmao. Engagement = Layaway)

Lauryn Hi..



This one is still in the works, but after being dropped from Drake's tour (he's back reportedly), we might want to warn Walmart T-Pain that Ciara is cursed. We would hate for Future to go from being the hook-man of 2013 to complete irrelevancy. Adding to the fact he's got 3 kids, and a 4th one on the way, we hope Future is able to dodge this curse. For America's sake. 


There you have it. 5 men cursed by Ciara. 

Dictated not read.