Hi
Braids. Cornrows. Dreads. The holy trinity of niggas hairstyles. We can see these being rocked in hoods, schools, and in corporate settings. Hell, even the QB of the Washington Redskins rocks his lesbian-esque braids with style.
Only black man in America with half-dreads and half mullet
After reading this blog, RG3 may want to consider never cutting his hair. EVER.
The biggest side-effect of cutting your hair is the Samson effect. As you know, in the Bible, Samson was blessed with Lee-esque strength until he met a hussy named Delilquanisha. She cut her hair, he lost his strength. And mostly importantly: he lost his edges....
No, no, not my edges!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*cries silent tear*
There are a few people who can cut their braids and maintain their successes at a high rate (Carmelo Anthony, Justin Timberlake), but for the four people below, cutting their braids was a career-altering move. And not for the better. So here goes...
Four People Who Lost Their Superpowers After Cutting Their Braids
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Alicia Keys
Bio:- All hail the Queen of Sidechick Music. Alicia Augello Cook. A bi-racial angel with a knack for playing piano and singing. One of the best songwriters of her generations. She has a son named Egypt and married a Sphinx.
Then in 2009, she married Swizz Beatz stopped rocking the microbraids permanently.
Oh hey. Swiss Beatz picked out the rest of my career for me
You want to see how braids affected her career?
Alicia Keys Grammys with braids: 12
Alicia Keys' # of Grammys without braids: ZERO
Number of vocal notes Alicia Keys missed with braids: 1
Number of vocal notes Alicia Keys missed without braids: All the numbers in Pi
Number of people set on fire by Alicia Keys with braids: 0 (that we know of)
Number of people set on fire by Alicia Keys without braids: Still under investigation, but we think the casualties are in the thousands.
Now we're left with this
Oddly, I think Carrey rocked it better
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Allen Iverson
Bio - 2001 MVP. The anti-Jordan. The Answer. Allen Iverson had it all. The most identifiable part about Allen Iverson his is trademark braids. We loved him for being himself at all times, and celebrated his willingness to be the anti-hero.
Then in 2009, he cut his braids....
The casino ain't ready for THIISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
You want to see how braids affect your performance?
Allen Iverson's PPG with braids: 26.8
Allen Iverson's PPG after cutting them: 15.7
Teams Iverson played for before cutting braids: 2
Teams Iverson played for after cutting braids: 5
Allen Iverson complaining about practice before cutting braids: 1
Allen Iverson complaining about practice after cutting braids: 0
You can blame old age, personal issues, or his unwillingness to come off the bench, but let's face it: you cut your braids, your career goes away...
Let's pray he rocks these braids at the Hall of Fame speech. Top 5
Starting a petition to put this on the 30 dollar bill
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Ludacris
Bio - Scarface's first hand-picked rapper for Def Jam South. Atlanta's most commercially successful rapper behind the group Outkast. Comedic and wily rapper. His catalogue is among the best in hip-hop history. Possibly top-5 guest feature rapper of all-time.
And I will never forgive him...but that's another story for another day.
Then, in 2006, he cuts his trademark cornrows.
You won't forgive me nigga? Nigga. Who are YOU?
You want to see how braids affected his career?
Number of Ludacris' albums sold with braids: 13.6 million
Number of Ludacris' albums sold without braids: 3 million
Number of good rappers who Ludacris didn't let get shine with braids: 0
Number of good rappers who Ludacris didn't let get shine without braids: 1. 222222222 CHAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNZZZZZZZ
Number of THE WORST VERSE EVER IN HIP-HOP HISTORY EVER EVER EVER with braids: 0
Number of THE WORST VERSE EVER IN HIP-HOP HISTORY EVER EVER EVER with braids: ONE FUCKING SONG
You can blame his sales numbers on the industry trend, but still, I will never forgive him.
Especially after this abomination of a song
Nicki's reaction after hearing the verse for the first time.
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Lauryn Hill
Bio - you know, fuck this. I've already said what I've had to say about Lauryn Hill. BYE FELICIA
Honorable mention: R. Kelly, Warren Sapp, Busta Rhymes, Xzibit (where is he?), India.Aire, Jamie Kennedy, Omarion, Micheal Vick (he did get another 100 mil contract, so he barely misses the list), D'Angelo (the fuck kind of hairstyle he's rocking), Trey Songz, Chris Kilpatrick, Jermaine Dupri (nigga went from having dreads, to going bald. Amazing), Bow Wow.
I'm done.
Dictated, not read
Lee
